NOTES: Just finished the Utena movie--again--and was motivated to, instead of 
sleep like I really need to be doing, stumble over to Notepad and jot down a few 
Himemiya-thoughts.
They somehow turned into this. . .ficlet? imagelet?. . .written-down 
'something'. . .?

TIMELINE: These thoughts occur near the end of the Utena movie, after Utena 
turns from a car back into a human being, and before Anthy says "now we're 
heading into a world without roads." This is that silence in between.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts on Careening Down an Exit Ramp with You
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






I'm not used to having thoughts that are smaller than the world.

The air is cold.

Your skin is warm.

I killed the Prince.

These are not grandiose ideas; I cannot manipulate a world with these; I cannot 
own the souls of hundreds. I cannot make you do whatever I want you to.

Of course, I never could do that, could I, Utena?

With everyone else, yes, but. . .not you.

I cannot dictate the warmth of your skin.

Only bodies tell the truth.

Actions.

Except you said words that were kind to me, once: you said "friend."

I do not understand this.

You are smiling at me. We are naked.

I do not understand, but I think, as I watch you smile, that maybe it. . .maybe 
it is all right.

This is a surprise, a stone falling deep in a pool somewhere inside me where 
surprise can happen. Will suprises be happening more, from now on?

We are traveling very fast.

There is only the thinnest strip of metal and two wheels between us and the 
road--there is only the thinnest strip of air between you and me. The road is 
unwinding at a sickening pace very close under my head as we careen down it. The 
road is spinning by too fast to look at and air is moving over my skin and I 
imagine that the road is a stretch of fishing line, unspinning itself from a 
reel.

I cannot control it.

The wind is whistling by my ears very fast.

I left my academy.

I killed the prince.

Suddenly, I remember this. The memory has been teasing at me since I climbed 
inside of you and we drove together to the exit, happening and not happening at 
the same time. I remember all of this--these strange, frightening shapes. This 
wreckage. I have been here. Where we were aiming for. Where I knew we were 
aiming for. I know this already.

You are lying on your back, and your hair billows out behind us.

In this world, there are no roads.

Nobody will tell you where to go.

Not-roads stretch out everywhere, in every direction, until everything starts to 
look the same, and you're scared, and you just stand still.

The wind chaps my lips.

We must really be here, then.

This place with no roads. No roads! I knew this.

That's why I--

But I left. I left my academy.

There are legs wrapped around mine, and an arm is twining itself around my 
waist.

Ah, yes.

I left it with you.

This road I do not understand, the one that is reeling away underneath us even 
in this world I know does not have roads.

You must be making it.

I am not used to having thoughts that are smaller than the world. 

I am not used to being in this place whose rules I do not know. Cannot control.

Not used to it. . .but there is a faint memory of a place like this, of being 
afraid and standing still.

The wind is chilly on my back.

If I stand still again, I think you would push me.

You. You strange girl. Tenjou Utena.

'Friend.'

Your skin is very warm.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~